It’s described as a unique word with no equivalent in English. It’s origin is Portuguese and it was first used in the 13th Century. I’ts a longing, a melancholy, a desire for what was. It is “Saudade”.
Many immigrants and refugees search for words that adequately describe their peculiar longing…
Not smoking has worked for a week now. Okay I admit that I tried to take a few drags the other day, but it was barely at all and I put it straight out because it made me feel sick again. In the beginning I didn’t stop smoking on purpose - only because I had gotten so sick and was disgusted by it. Now that I’m feeling better, it’s getting harder and harder to resist smoking…the hardest part should be over already and the reason I thought it would be easier quitting this way, was because the hardest part was basically eliminated because of being sick…if that makes sense.
Every time Mike says he is going down for a cigarette, I could go nuts. I have a hard time dealing with stress and I know for a fact that if I really do quit smoking, I am going to pick up some other nasty habit, like biting my nails again, like I did before I smoked, chewing gum excessively…I don’t know. I think it would be easier if I don’t make it official that I am trying to quit. Because then people won’t hold me responsible for it and put me under pressure. If people don’t know I’m trying to quit and I end up continuing to smoke, they won’t make me feel bad for it.
I know of SO many people who would be happy for me for quitting…my parents (even though my mom started smoking), my relatives, my friends who don’t smoke and the poor people who have to second hand smoke when they pass me outside. I also know that it would be much better for my heath and assist me in becoming physically active again, not to mention save me a shit ton of money, but….gaaaahhh it’s so fucking relaxing and if I don’t quit talking about it then I’m going to Go DOWNSTAIRS AND SMOKE A FUCKING CIGARETTE!!!! O.O >.< GAAAAAHHH
This sucks. I am totally conflicted. I think of things I could do if I quit, for one, live a LONGER LIFE and two, be more active, as I mentioned before. My uncle takes part in bike races, and I’ve watched before, thinking that could totally be me, if it weren’t for my smoking. I used to love running - I was one of the fastest sprinters in my grade, but because I took up smoking and screwed up my knee, that didn’t last past 8th grade. At the same time, I think: I don’t smoke a whole lot anyway, unless I’m in the company of several people who smoke. Also, Mike smokes LOADS more than I do and he is several years older than I am. He seems to be fine, so why would it hurt me. Besides, I was planning on quitting when we decide to have kids anyway, so why not just wait until then? Pffff…decisions, decisions.
I haven’t smoked since the night before I got sick, which was Saturday and just the thought of cigarettes makes me feel sick to my stomach. I am of course still sick, but I wonder if I could get that feeling to stay. But it’s going to be rough. Mike smokes a ton and my brother may come and live with us, meaning that I’d be the only non smoker. I made a promise to myself that I’d stop smoking at the latest when I decide to have kids, but it definitely wouldn’t hurt to quit sooner.
Plus, since I’ve begun working with Peach’s Neet Feet and seeing all of these poor children with cancer, who can’t do ANYTHING about their illness, I feel like a complete jerk for smoking. :/
Getting sick enough today to need to go to Urgent Care made me miss living in Germany. I woke up at around 6 AM feeling like I was going to be sick. I got sick about three times at home and was really beginning to lose the feeling in my hands. I was dizzy and dehydrated, but every time I drank something, I’d throw it back up again. :/ Mike’s mom and Mike both agreed it would be best to go to Urgent Care, since I was getting progressively worse throughout the morning and I was losing all color to my face. Getting to the car took about ten minutes. Every time I stood or sat, I felt like I was about to pass out. I could barely hear or see and felt so nauseous. First thing I had to do when walking in to Urgent Care was sign some papers, which I did so sloppily, they probably thought I was forging. I laid on a double bench in the waiting room with a blanket. Then, these people call my name and I have to stumble up there, answer a shitload of questions and fill out papers. Right in the middle, I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, where I got sick. Afterwards, I had to come back and finish filling out papers. Once it was finally my turn, I nearly passed out three times while attempting to sit on a chair to have my blood pressure taken. She ended up having to take my blood pressure on the floor, because I could literally not stand up or sit at all. They had to wheel me into the room where I finally got an IV and some anti-vomitting meds.
In Germany, they would have taken me straight in. No paperwork, nothing. The fact that I could actually afford insurance over there definitely helped, but regardless, they still would have helped me. They would have dealt with the paperwork and all that shit after I was stable enough. I am beginning to despise this country more and more. What the fuck.
Well, tomorrow morning we will be filming Every 15 Minutes and I am feeling a mix between excitement, nervousness and fear of both freaking out and/or messing up. Since everything is happening in real time in front of the entire high school, there is no room what so ever for mistakes. I offered to take photographs instead of film, since there will be so many people filming at once. So that puts extra pressure on me, since I will be the only one taking photos. Mike and I will be filming/taking photos of the crash scene and the police officers pulling kids out of class. I honestly admit that the morgue, the hospital and the jail were all a bit too much for me, especially since all three will have dead/sick/dying and arrested people already occupying them. I can’t deal with death very well, as I had previously posted a few weeks ago, since I never really had to confront it until recently. So naturally, instead of facing it, I am going to steer clear from it.
In case you aren’t familiar with Every 15 Minutes, it is a drunk driving program directly aimed at high school students. It features a very realistic looking, graphic crash scene that takes place after a party, in which the driver/one of the drivers has been drinking. The drunk driver gets hauled off to jail, while the other passengers are sent directly to either the morgue or the hospital. It’s a pretty big deal; the entire school watches while police officers, ETs and fire fighters do their job in real time. That’s why I mentioned earlier that when filming, there is no room to mess up. You can’t just go back and redo something - it all has to be shot in one take. We are about 15 people on the film crew. A few will be going to the hospital, one to the morgue, one to the jail, one will ride in the ambulance, one in the helicopter and one or two will be driving with the police to the homes of the parents to film the police telling the kids parents that their kids have died in a DWI crash. Two of us (me and my boyfriend) will be staying at the school to film police officers pulling kids out of classes and then announcing to their class that that kid just died in a DWI. They will be doing this every 15 minutes, as the name suggests.
Anyway, I am hoping that everything will come out okay, especially since I was having problems with my images coming out to grainy with my camera when I took pictures of the party scene today. I don’t know if it’s a setting I need to mess with or what it is, but if all of my pictures come out this way tomorrow, I’ll be screwed. Well, I’d better attempt to get to bed, before I get so nervous that I can’t sleep. Cross your fingers for us!
Why is it, that EVERY holiday, something seems to go wrong? Thanksgiving was a disaster, New Years our dog died, Valentine’s Day another dog died and Easter my fiance’s mom has to go to the hospital. Words cannot describe how much this sucks. On top of that, I have a project due tomorrow that I haven’t even started yet.
I can’t sleep. At all. I know this may seem weird to most of you reading this, since most of you are most likely from the United States and have been exposed to this all your life. I really haven’t had to deal with it this directly until now. I grew up in a very christian home most of my life, while living in a country where you could sleep on a park bench in the middle of the night in a bikini and not have to worry about anything happening to you. Okay, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but it is very close to the truth. I was very protected from some of the horrors that go on in this world. I NEVER feared walking around outside in the middle of the night or being stabbed or shot because I voiced my opinion to a stranger. Ever since I moved to the States, a huge wooden board with the words “REALITY CHECK” written in bold, red letters, smacked me right in the face.
I never had to deal with death directly as a kid or teen. I never had to deal with DUIs/DWIs, shootings, rape, murder or anything of the sort. As far as sickness, I never had to deal with any family members being anything other than mentally ill, which was somewhat controllable, and not life-threatening. The first time I had to deal with death was in September of 2009, when a car took my friend’s right of way while he was on a motorcycle, and hit him. It took his life a few days later. It was a hit and run. It hit me hard. He was an ex-boyfriend, but we still stayed good friends. We both had our own groups of friends, but we kept promising each other to get together and play guitar. I hate myself to this day, that I never kept my promise to teach him how to play Master of Puppets.
I thought that would be it for a while. My Grandparents were all in good health and I really had no worries. It was on New Year’s Eve 2011 that it started again. My fiance’s dog Sockie, who I absolutely adored, passed away very suddenly from an infection. I never grew up with any animals besides fish, which don’t really count, so I became very attached to this dog and this one hit me pretty hard, especially since it was quite sudden. The next hit me about two months later, when I got an E-MAIL (yes, an e-mail), telling me that my grandfather had cancer. An e-mail. It was just a few weeks later, that I got on facebook before bed and saw my cousin’s post that my grandpa had passed away. FACEBOOK. Since my parents are overseas and in a different time zone, they weren’t able to inform me exactly when it happened. It broke my heart.
A week later, we lost another dog. He ended up having to spend two full days in the Garage, covered with a blanket, because everything was closed for holidays and there was nothing we could do, which made it even harder to deal with.
Since then, mid February, I’ve had close friends lose parents. I keep seeing it all over the place. Working with Peach’s Neet Feet, a non-profit organization that paints canvas shoes for kids with cancer and other illnesses and disabilities, I see pictures of sick, helpless little kids, who are too young to even understand what is happening with them. Do not get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE doing this. If there is anything at all I can do for these kids, it’s to spend time doing what I love to put a smile on their faces. But man, it’s rough to see.
I’ve always been a people person. I was always the one person who would comfort an enemy if he or she were crying. I hate seeing people in pain and hurting, physically or emotionally. The faith and belief I grew up with until my early teens is so rocky, I don’t know what to believe. I have lost almost all faith in God, who is supposed to be a father. What father wouldn’t fix his kid’s problems if he possibly could?! That, however, is a completely different story.
Now, my Cinematography class at the college I attend is filming “Every 15 Minutes.” If you’re not aware of what this is; the program is a drunk driving education program for high school juniors and seniors. A VERY realistic looking DUI crash is set up and two to three kids “die” at the scene of the crash and in the hospital. I’m talking fake blood, brain matter, bones sticking out, glass sticking out of eyes - just about as disturbing you can get. To me, anyway. I mean I can deal with horror movies and psycho thrillers, but man, this stuff is pretty scary looking. Especially since it all happens live and it’s so well played out. I know it’s not real, but it represents something that happens, as the name of the program suggests, every 15 minutes. And it happens to people who did NOTHING wrong.
Honestly, if I didn’t have such fresh wounds from all the crap that’s happened this year already, I’d find this project pretty exciting. But I am beginning to dread it. I can see blood. I’ve seen it, I’ve dealt with it. I’ve done as much as take control and help a friend who nearly bled to death from a dangerously deep cut. But this is really a lot. And even though it’s fake, to me it’s so real. And every time I see these videos, it’s just a reminder of my friend dying in that crash and all the other deaths I’ve encountered just in the first few months of 2012. I don’t know how to feel about this video shoot and I can honestly say that I have no clue how well I’m going to be able to deal with it emotionally.
I ask myself: with so many people with cancer and other unpreventable life-threatening illnesses, why can’t those who are more fortunate use the brains they were provided with to prevent shit like this from happening?! Don’t drink and drive! Get a designated driver! WALK for crying out loud! Call a taxi! If you could afford all that booze, you can at least pay for a damn taxi! Treat people the way you’d like to be treated! Don’t treat your classmates like shit, because believe it or not, they might just decide to bring their dad’s gun to school one day. Don’t threaten people with weapons! If you want money, GO APPLY FOR A JOB! If you’ve been mistreated and can’t deal with it, seek some help! Don’t make someone else pay for your misery! I could rant all day! If people would just have the common decency to treat their neighbors with respect and use common sense once in a while, crime and death rates would drop DRASTICALLY. I know I am expecting too much and I need to shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. But the fact that expecting people not to put others in life-threatening situations is too much to ask anymore, scares the living hell out of me.
My feelings about this may, as I said earlier, seem strange and rather pathetic to most of you reading this. But I felt it needed to be said by someone who is not as familiar with this culture as she thought she was and MAYBE come across someone who shares these feelings with me.
I can definitely say with full confidence that I’ve gotten nothing constructive done this weekend. I didn’t even do my homework for 2D design class in…crap…7 hours until past midnight, and it took me only 20 minutes, including the search for images, because of my lack of motivation. Oh well. If she hates it, I’ll just use the assignment as one of my regrades.
I can also say with full confidence that SMASH* books have taken over my life. Completely! That’s all I did all fucking weekend. I scrapbooked 9 pages and painted a cover for one of the books…our printer is already nearly out of ink, which is my fault…I don’t know what to do with myself. Well, better go to bed before it gets to be that time of night, where I may as well force myself to pull and all-nighter.